Spiraling

I’m overthinking again. Constantly overthinking. The recent transition from my community college to actual grown-up college has got me desperate. My thoughts are circling again to that of stressful aspects of my life. And it all revolves around money. The ever non-abundant resource that has me freaking out anytime I want to move forward with my life.

I need a new plan.

I need a new…something.

And honestly, would money even make me happy?

I want to walk on the beaches of Costa Rica and spot familiar constellations while I’m in another country. I want to drive with my dog in the front seat to a destination unknown with reckless abandon. I want to drive past my job and not stop for a day. Just one day.

I want too many things. Is my life not enough? I’m grateful for what I have, who I have. I really am. I’m lucky even. But why do I have this nagging in the corner of my mind that won’t go away? Why won’t it go away, god dammit. I just want it to leave me alone.

It’s like a cancer that’s killing you, but the cancer is you. I am nagging myself. Why? Why can’t I stop? What am I doing wrong with my life that I have to keep questioning? I’m always questioning.

And if I complain or discuss it I’m basically admitting defeat. That there is something wrong with me. It’s like that instant when you meet an acquaintance you politely question each other. How are you? Fine. How’s school? Fine. How’s work? Fine. How’s your parents? Fine. Everything is fine. But everything is not fine. But if for one second you tell them how to really feel then something’s wrong with your life, with you.

It’s socially unacceptable to be honest.